Weight Loss Is Like A Relationship

During my weight loss journey I have come to realize that weight loss is like a relationship. You get out of it what you put into it. You have good, bad and okay days with every person in your life as you will with weight loss. You will have days of success where you eat right, exercise, drink lots of water and at the end of the day you feel like you are right on track. Then you have a day when people on Facebook talk about Swiss Cake Rolls, Zebra Cakes, and show pcitures of doughnuts and the tempation to eat all of the above listed items is so overwhelming that you o.d. on weight watcher snacks and think that if I eat the entire box of_________ (fill in the blank) weight watcher snacks it's not as bad as eating one or two swiss cake rolls, zebra cakes, or doughnuts, but you're wrong! All those weight watcher snacks add up to be more than the one or two more fattening snacks and when you realize this you feel even more defeated than when you began and what's the point to all this weight loss thing anyway, right? Well, I'll tell you the point. Every good relationship in life, takes time to grow, mold and change. Lasting weight loss takes time and it is a lifestyle change that you have to make for yourself. It's okay to have a good and bad day while you are losing weight. The sooner you realize that you will go through stages in your weight loss of losing and gaining the better off you will be.

Weight loss is as much a mental game as it is a physical game. You have to get your mind going in the direction if you want to beat the number on the scale. There is no fad diet out there that will help you lose the weight AND keep it off and if you keep telling yourself, "oh if I could just lose 5,10,20 pounds by this date, my best friend's wedding, my anniversary etc by trying this fad diet" you are never going to get the results you want. Today marks my twenty pound weight loss goal. I'm thrilled and over the moon that I have finally gotten to this point!! I told myself when I started weight watchers that if I could make it to a weight loss of twenty pounds, then I will be able to do this and achieve my overall goal. I set a small, yet attainable, goal for myself to meet as a test of my own willpower. It took me longer than I orginally hoped it would take, but 4 1/2 months later the scale reflects the effort I have put forth thus far. I'm still dealing with the mental aspect of losing weight. I have thoughts that no matter how hard I work at this I'll never be able to lose it all and keep it off. I often look at other women who are skinnier than me and wish I could look like them, or at least have their thinness, but think it won't ever happen for me. It's a daily struggle, but it's worth it if it means that I am creating a better life for myself and my family. I just keep moving forward, doing the best I can and that's where weight watchers has really come into play and truly helped me. I go to meetings, weigh-in, listen to others talk about the challenges they have, the goals they have met and I know I'm not alone in this. No one ever wants to feel like they are struggling through something alone and wieght loss is a struggle, but one worth going through.

I encourage anyone who reads this and wants to lose weight and keep it off to find "the" thing that works for you, do it, and keeping doing it everyday. You work at when you are stressed, tired, grumpy, bloated, happy, sad, and you keep telling yourself you are worth it! You surround yourself with people who will encourage and motivate you while you are on your weight loss journey and don't let anyone ever make you think, not even for a minute, that you can't lose the weight and keep it off. There is a reason you put on the weight and if you can figure out what that reason is and do something about it, you will be well on your way to your weight loss goal. There are many different things to do: Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, and Nutrisystem are the popular ones. I chose Weight Watchers because I eat food that I buy from the grocery store and/or restaraunt, it holds me accountable by weighing-in and it gives me support through meetings. What works for me, may not be what you need or what works for you. I do encourage you to go with something that gives you realistic goals and expectations. Anything that promises you significant amount of weight loss in a small amount of time isn't going to be worth your time or money to try. They just.don't.work. Period! If you don't want to sign up with a program or you can't afford to, www.livestrong.com is a great website tool you can utilize for free and I highly recommend it. They have an on-line program called My Daily Plate that is similar to weight watchers in that you track what you eat and it helps you calculate the calories your consume. Log on and click on 'Start Tracking', fill in the information and viole' you are ready to begin your weight loss program! If you need help or advice from me, feel free to message me or send me an email. Good Luck and wish me luck as well because I am far from my goal but striving for it everyday!

31

On New Years Eve as Brian, Kevin, Ashley and I were sitting in the bar section of Hard Rock Cafe in Downtown Atlanta I happened to mention out loud, and amongst our group that I couldn't believe how Brian and I would both be turning 31 this year. 31! I shouted, "I can't believe we'll be 31!" During my exclamation moment Brian and I are looking at each other and he has the oddest expression on his face. Almost as if he can't believe or quite understand why I am saying what I am saying and then it hits me, smack in the face. I realize what I just shouted out for all to hear. I'm turning 31 this year. My brother was 31 when he died. I will now be the same age as my brother, who was born four years before me. yay. It's funny that so much of my life, now, is consumed with thoughts of him when so little was while he was alive. It's no secret at this point that we didn't get along growing up and we spent most of our time fighting with each other rather than getting to know each other as people instead of just as siblings. It's also no secret that I regret the fact that he was taken from my family just when things started to really fall into place for him in life and he was finally settling down, or at least trying to. I don't understand why God chooses the people that he does to leave this Earth so early in life, while others who have raped, murdered and killed are destined to live out their days here with most of us paying taxes on their 9x9 jail cell. I know I'm not the first to ask that question, nor will I be the last, but certainly somewhere someone has received the answer to this question through God's grace they have heard His reply. Surely there is a person out there who has the answer to this, but hasn't shared it yet. I think we all hold answers to a question someone has asked, only we don't know it. Will mine ever be answered?

Am I Past This?

While living in Connecticut, Brian and I went to counseling for a brief period after my brother died. We were both dealing with something neither one of us wanted to deal with, nor were we prepared to deal with, the death of my brother. Losing him changed me. His death has changed the way I think, the way I act, what I want out of life. Losing my brother has impacted every single aspect of my life, in ways I never thought possible. Some were good and some were not, but taking the good and the bad and working through them both will be a life long journey. During counseling I opened up to our counselor in a one-on-one session about something I had been keeping locked deep down in my heart. Something that I've struggled to face the possibility of, the uncertainty of, the fear of, something that has kept me from being able to move on.... When my brother died I found out the news in the morning and flew home later that same day. It wasn't until after I got to my parents' house that I was told of my brothers' body being burned when his truck caught on fire. From the moment my mom told me that and even after she tried to assure me that he was already gone when his body burned I have secretly feared that my mom was wrong. I have had nightmares that he was actually alive, but was trapped and because no one was around to rescue him he burned alive. It sounds horrible, I know, but this was my fear. I told the counselor all that and he assured me that he must have been gone before this happened. Our counselor used to practice law, he was a defender, a prosecutor and eventually became a judge before leaving the law behind and starting a counseling practice. He told me that the coroner could loose his license if he falsified records or lied to someone about the way a person died. In my grief, that line of thinking never occurred to me, so I was relieved. I thought I could finally lay this to rest and move on, but lately it has started coming back to me. Out of nowhere the notion that he was still alive when his truck caught on fire invades my thoughts at any given time during the day. I truly thought I was past this, but now I'm not so sure and I don't know what to do about it. It's not as if I have complete control over all my thoughts. So what do I do now?

A Letter To You

Dear Brian,

Two years ago today, Brian, you left this earth forever.
You laughed your last laugh
You thought your last thought
You spoke your last word
You smiled your last smile
You gave your last hug
You breathed your last breath
You lived your last day
The light from your eyes left you as you left us
Two years ago today, Brian, you had a choice and you made the wrong one.

I want to scream at you and shake some sense into you, but it would all be in vain.
Had you been given the chance, again, I don't believe you would have done anything differently. You died the way you lived and it is only now that I can say for the very first time that I am mad at you. I wish you would have been more responsible. I wish you would have gone home with Shawn. Even at thirty one you still thought you were invincible. We didn't have enough time, none of us, had enough time with you. You and I were finally getting past our past and I feel robbed of the opportunity to really know you. For too long I blamed God for taking that time away. I blamed Him for not letting any of us, your family, say goodbye to you and for taking away your future, but I wonder if that was really His choice. Did He look at what your life would be like after the accident, had you lived, and decide it was better to take you now rather than later? Was it His plan all along to take you when He did? Or, did He take your life only after you put into motion the events that led to your death. All I am left with are memories of you and questions; so many questions that haunt me and wake me from my sleep. My memories of you are not the best and I can't blame myself entirely for that, it always takes two people to engage in an argument and you and I were never ones to back down. I guess in that way we were very much alike.
My brother, my family, my almost friend. My heart breaks just a little every time I think of you for even though I am mad at you, I still love you and I'm not even certain you knew that deep down beyond the facade I loved you. Did I ever tell you that I loved you, because I can't remember? Did I say those words out loud or only in my head? Did you love me? Did you ever tell me that you loved me? I wish I knew...
People say that time heals, but it doesn't. I may cry a little less, but only because I don't have the strength to cry anymore. It hurts to cry and it is so hard to stop crying over you once I start. I may think of you a little less, but only because thinking of you every day makes me sad. I may blame you a little less, but only because to blame you or God or circumstances or whatever it was that led to you no longer being here is to hold on to something I can no longer hold on to. The sorrow I feel of losing you as a part of our physical family is something that will remain until I see you again, but I still have to live this life here. I have to wake up each day and go on until I am called home. I can no longer feel guilty if I don't think of you every single day or if I can't really remember the sound of your voice. I have to let that go and be thankful for the good things I can remember about you how ever few they may be. I have to let go, but I am struggling and I need you to tell me that it's okay. I need you to help me let pieces of you that I am hanging on to go. I want to be at peace with you dying but I need you to tell me you're fine, you're okay and you're happy. Knowing you're at peace will help me find peace. Can you help me with this?

Love always,
Alison

The Brush of A Hand On My Shoulder

On Sunday Brian and I went out to eat at Copelands. Brian called ahead, but the place was hopping and we ended up taking a booth in the bar area so we wouldn't have to wait. Thinking back, I believe it was meant to be that way. Yes, I am a person who believes in fate... well at least the kind of fate that involves God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit also known as the Holy Trinity. I also believe that God us the gift of free will, but every once in awhile I think He likes to step in and give us a little push in the right direction. For all the skeptics out there, who is to say that God didn't lead you over to my blog right now so that perhaps you might rethink whatever philosophy you believe or don't believe in.
Now, getting back to Sunday... we sat down in a booth within the bar area where this young waiter was working, his name is Jeff. Jeff was really nice and gave us wonderful service, but something he did and will never even know the impact it had on me was brush my shoulder. At some point during the meal he stopped by the table and we asked for bread, I think, and as he turned away he brushed his hand across my left shoulder. All of the sudden I thought of you, Brian. I had this overwhelming sense that it was your hand that touched me and it was you who let me know you were near. As usual when I think of you, I immediately teared up and tried to keep myself from crying but I couldn't get over the fact that you were there right beside me when I least expected. I want to ask why? Why, when I can't even see it coming you somehow reach out to me? Or, why after countless nights of hoping I would see your smiling face in a dream it suddenly appears, but looking so somber? Why when I'm not expecting it? I know now that it doesn't matter how many times I ask out loud, while praying, in the midst of crying, it doesn't matter where, when or how many times I ask because I won't get an answer. I will never know and for me that's the worst part of losing you. I will never know how you died. I will never know why you died. I will never know God's reason for taking you from our family and I hate it.
All I can hope for is another chance encounter and I will spend the rest of my life hoping and waiting. Even if it comes from the brush of a hand on my shoulder by a complete stranger, I will always know it is you who is reaching out to me.

I just can't get over this

March 30, 2009 has come and gone.... an entire year has slipped away yet the grief hasn't lessened. I read something recently that stuck with me: grieving the loss of a loved one isn't something you can just get over, but something you learn to live with. Along with that statement was this one: people put pressure on those who are grieving to get on with their life... I never knew how true those two statements are until my brother died. I am not able to adequately explain what happened to me when I got the call from my dad saying he was gone, but something definitely changed within me. I could say that a part of myself died when my brother died, but that isn't enough. I could say that a piece of me is still trapped on March 30, 2008, but that isn't enough. I could say that there is a permanent whole in my heart where my brother once resided, but that still isn't enough. There simply are not words to describe what happens when you have spent 27 years of your life being the youngest child of three to wake up one morning and find out that,no, Alison, you were the youngest of three, now the three you were a part of is two. How am I to accept this? How am I to respond? There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is not a time limit on getting over someone. The truth is that you can't get over the death of a loved one, you learn to live with it. My problem is this, how do I learn to live with it? How do I learn to move forward? Do I need to quote and quote move forward? There is no right or wrong way to grieve, does everyone realize this? My question to others is does everyone else realize that there isn't a time limit? Does everyone know that when someone you love dies you can't just get over it? Do people understand that you can't compare the death of a sibling, parent, or child to a distant relative? These are my current and foreseeable dilemmas. An entire year has slipped away and to me it feels like a lifetime of pain has encompassed my heart and soul. I am still grieving. I am still hurting. I still need healing and peace. I still have a desire to gain a sense of resolution over the events that led to my brothers' death. I still have a long road ahead of me... I still grieve, though I may do it in quiet.

so Bubba is doing great FINALLY!!! Brian, my smart husband, bought an organic litter that has an attractant for long-haired cats and almost immediately after he set the litter box on the floor he went. I never in my life thought I would be so happy my cat used a litter box or that I would be blogging about it, but he did and I am. Three Cheers for no more having to clean up after my cat!!!